The Empty Womb.
While living your best life on this Earth, you have to make choices.
Recently one of mine was to remain an « empty womb ». Not because I’m not able to carry. Just because my significant other doesn’t want another child. He has one with his previous partner. I have none. And for him one is enough.
Making this choice hasn’t been a joyful ride, but what can I do? Lie to him, trick him and at the end of the day loose him over a loss of trust? Not my game. Leaving him? Why? Because he was honest? OK, he first told me that if I wanted to have one, we will have one, but I knew he didn’t mean it, he only said this because he thought I was pregnant at the time and I guess felt trapped. So, it is forgivable.
My obstetrician/ Gynecologist didn’t want to believe me when I told him that he will back off once he knew for sure there was an empty womb, but I knew.
I would lie if I told you it didn’t hurt when I understood he backed off. It did. Deeply… because I always thought that if you loved each other, having a baby was natural. How wrong I was, but who am I to be mad against him for that? Who am I to ask him to change his mind? So, I decided to sacrifice the first (and probably the biggest) dream I ever had.
I can clearly hear some of you saying: « Right, but who is he to rip you off of your biggest dream? Isn’t it a bit selfish to decide unilaterally that you don’t want children anymore? Does he really love you? »
To that I will answer: First he is a human being with a heart and feelings. Maybe it is selfish, but isn’t it also selfish to force him to have another one? I hope he really loves me and I’m pretty sure he does at least for the time being, but do we really need to create another human being to prove the significant other that you really love her/him? I don’t know. I don’t have this answer.
I might regret it in the future, I’m not naïve. The missing piece will always be there because I suffered from multiple miscarriages and always thought one day I’ll be lucky enough to find the perfect match and be a mom.
I will probably be the outside piece of an already existing family. The one that is there, but never has anything to say because first, the child isn’t mine, second, it already has a living mother and father and grandparents.
This non-status won’t be an easy ride and might prevent me from getting more involved in my relationship, I know it, I guess he does too. And if, one day, something happens to him, I’ll be the one to ignore, the one not taken into account because I won’t be a « real piece » of the circle, just a free electron that will be detachable easily. The one to be kicked out without notice. The one who will lose everything she will place in this future. I’m aware of it. And I accept it.
I will have to fight against the dark thoughts of not being a « mom material ». You know those that creep up inside your brain because you had miscarriages and because you always bump into guys who don’t want children WITH YOU since you ditched your manipulative ex. As I said it won’t be an easy ride, but at the end, should I ditch love for a dream I’m not sure I will ever reach ? I’m 35, let’s be honest for a second. Guys around my age, already have children, some of them more than one and those who don’t aren’t ready to settle for a « middle-aged-approaching-the-big-40 woman » with constant baby-blues.